My Death

I was 27 at the time. Single. I had a few dates here and there, but really didn't come to mean much of anything. A fling and nothing more. I worked in a school as a substitute teacher because I couldn't find a job in my career I went to college for. I decided to go back for my masters so I could teach college kids courses in creative writing. Having a few books published helped pay the bills too.

My friends were all off somewhere else. My best friend in high school wound up married to a guy I never thought she'd wind up married to. They had a two year old son at the time when it happened. He called me his uncle. I hope I had an impact in his life.

My other best friends? They were all doing well. One had just landed a job as a professor of history at a nice local college. The same one he and I graduated from. Another was teaching high school. He had married and had a son- despite his saying he'd never have kids. It changed him. I don't really know if it's for better or worse. His son is 3 and just starting to play video games with his dad. It's pretty adorable.

Others aren't so lucky. One wanted to go back to school and be an accomplished professor. He's struggling now to deal with it all. No one will hire him, and he sees no escaping living at home. Another made sure to get out, but is no better off- going from job to job and girl to girl. Flings here and there. Nothing substantial.

So many of my friend's have kids now. Are married. I don't regret the life path I took, really. It was the one I was meant to. Both of us were meant to die.

My cousin had just moved here from New Jersey after graduating from college. Him and me got an apartment together. He had a lot of girls over. I helped him at the local bars, and he sometimes got a friend for me. It was better than nothing.

I didn't drink. Never believed in it. Never believed in much, though. God was a figurehead created by humans to ensure they would live on forever. I was half-right. Maybe a third right.

But my cousin knew I was let down by another job offer gone bad. He took me to the bar, and made me drink one beer. I'll admit, I was depressed- another reason why I didn't drink. Hell, he didn't drink really either but he insisted we did. He had just lost his job he had gotten two months prior. So we drank our sorrows away.

Maybe I should've said no to another beer, but I liked the buzz. So did he. So we drank. We were light weights. Three beers later, we were toasted. They kicked us out. I knew it was a bad idea, but we got into my cousin's car and he began driving. I passed out. I wasn't dead yet.

An hour later we were still driving. We hadn't crashed. I woke up and asked him where we were. He didn't answer me.

"You know how much pain I'm always in?" he said to me. I told him I didn't know. How was I to know how much pain he was in?

"You never knew. You never understood how much shit I'm always going through. You're a fuckin' author. What the fuck am I?" I could tell he was crying. We had both sobered up a little. I didn't know how long we hadn't drank, really, but I was sober enough to understand the situation.

I told him he was an up and coming computer guy. I didn't remember what he did. He looked up to me, and I knew it. I shouldn't have drank, I thought. We shouldn't have gotten in this car. I didn't know how we had yet to have crashed. I asked him where we were again.

"I don't know. There's a river. We're following a river."

I asked him to pull over. He wouldn't. My head began hurting. My heart began racing. My stomach began to twirl and I vomited in the car. He freaked out.

"What the hell man? This is my car!"

I told him I knew that. I'd pay to clean it up, if he just pulled over. The tears kept coming. He didn't know what to do. He had no control. I yelled at him to pull the fucking car over. He laid his head down on the steering wheel not watching the road.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." he sobbed to me.

The car veered off to the side. I saw it. I knew it was going to happen, but I couldn't stop him. It broke through the railing, went over the side and tumbled down into the river. I hit my head on the dashboard, my cousin hit his on the steering wheel. The car filled up with water.

We drowned.

We had a 20 second news story the next day. Our families and friends were devastated. But we wouldn't see our funerals. We'd be gone. We'd be born again already, this time as brothers. We wouldn't recall this life just as we hadn't recalled the ones before this one. Just as we didn't recall what Heaven was like.

You see, we're angels. Waiting for our return to Heaven once more. Going from life to life hoping it'll be the one that ends well. I wish I could see the next life, but I can only see the ending to this one. That's how I'm telling you it now.

My death is yet to happen.