My Daughter

"Should I hold your hand?"
"No dad, I'm too old for that."
"I'm sorry. I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"I'm almost 11 dad. I'm not going to run off into a busy street and get hit by some car."
"I know, but I just...never mind. Let's just go get that dress you and your mom found."

We walked into the store and found the young girls department. It wasn't hard. She already knew where it was.

"Dad- it's over here!"

She had already picked out her dress. Almost 11 years old. The time had flown by so fast, and it wasn't any easier now than it was when she was younger. My only daughter. My only child. How hard it is to watch them grow, until you have to give them up.

"This is the one mom and me found last week. You think it looks good?"

I don't know dresses. I don't know how to do hair. I know how to throw a baseball and play video games. I know how to set up her digital camera so it works OK and she can upload her pictures for all her friends to see. I do the best I can.

"Mom said it looks good on me, but I don't know. Becky has a similar dress and a lot of the girls think it's ugly."

Maybe my best isn't the best one can do, but I sure try. It's just hard to talk with her. Hard to picture he walking down an aisle. I don't want her to meet a boy and do the things I wanted to do when I was younger. But it's only a few years off. She's already starting puberty.

"You care if we go to another store? I think I found one there I like a little better."

And then what? Then she'll be graduating high school. Hopefully. Hopefully she doesn't wind up like one of those pregnant girls on TV. She's a smart girl, but I know how these things work. You can be smart but make mistakes.

"I think they still have this really pretty one I saw. Mom and me went in here last week too, but mom thought it was too expensive. I know you don't care though, right dad?"

I want the best for her. I don't want to let her go, but what else can I do? I've already seen the girls and boys she's hanging out with. I don't like them. They're not going to do much good for her. Maybe she'll have fun, but I want her to do more than just have fun the rest of her life.

"It's right over here- at least it was. I don't see it anymore. I'll go ask that clerk if she's seen it."

I want her to achieve greatness. I want her to be more than I ever could. Than her mother ever could. But what am I to do? I can barely do what I'm doing now. I can barely say hi to her.

"The clerk lady said they don't have anymore. Which is probably good because that means some other girls bought them and might be wearing them and I don't wanna wear the same thing they're wearing. Can we try another store? It's still in the mall."

She is my daughter though. We have a lot in common- she takes after my religion and watches what I watch on TV. And she has the most beautiful voice when she sings. I used to play guitar, but that was in high school. She's already playing better than I could.

"None of these dresses look any good and I'm tired and hungry. Can we go get pizza?"

She has no cares in the world. Maybe I should be more like her- not worrying about her. But I do. That's all I do. I know when she's sad and happy. It radiates from her. I just wish I had more time with her.

"I think we can go to that Italian place, they have really good pizza- it's seriously the best. You care if we go buy that dress first?"

Maybe if I got closer with her she wouldn't bother with the people she hangs out with. Some are OK, but some I just can't stand. And I barely see her with them. But when I do, it makes me sick that she actually enjoys hanging with them. Sometimes I wish she'd hang out with me, but I understand. She wouldn't want to hang out with an old timer like myself.

"This pizza is delicious, isn't it dad?"

I know she cares. But I sometimes if I care too much about her. I sometimes wonder if I should just start letting go now. But I can't. She's my daughter. I can't just let it go.

"I don't think mom would want you inside and I have some homework I still need to do. Thanks dad for taking me to get my dress for the dance."

She hugs me and gets out of the car. She knows I love her. I don't need to say it. She knows. And I know I have to let her go. She opens the door to the house I used to live in and smiles and waves back at me. She goes inside and I sit for a moment.

I have to say goodbye. I have to let her go. With her mother, to this dance. I get out of the car and walk up to the house. I knock on the door. My ex-wife answers. I ask for her and she comes quickly to the door.

"Dad- did I forgot something?"

I hug her. I tell her I love her and I hope she has fun. I then smile and walk away back to my car. I put my keys in the ignition, turn, and hit the gas pedal. I don't look back.

I let go as much as I can. But even then, I know I'll always love her. Even if she doesn't love me the same.