I Don't Know (poem 1)

I don't know.
Sometimes I think it's better this way.
Sometimes I just want things to be different between us.
The subtleties you don't notice.
The things I do.
The similarities in what we like,
and hate.
Not wanting to give up what
you have,
but forced to- by things
you can't control.
I don't know
what to say to you.
I don't know
if I will see you again.
But I want to.
I want to grow closer
to you.
I want to have more
fun times.
But there's this wall
blocking me from ever
thinking
about truly wanting that.
There's this barrier,
invisible,
that'll never go away.
And even if it does
I assure you
there's another one
just waiting to
block me again.

I don't know.
It hurts when
you hurt.
It's insane
to even think that way.
Maybe it's the awkwardness
between us.
Maybe it's something else
I don't notice.
Maybe it's mutual,
but you know better
and I don't.
I don't know.

I just wish things were
simpler.
Easier.
Better.
I'm just glad I got to
spend time with you.
Even though it was
awkward
at times. But it was
totally worth it.

I don't know.
Maybe it's the loneliness.
The not wanting to be alone
anymore.
The fact I've grown and
am more mature now
than I was years ago.
But with you?
That doesn't work.
You aren't super mature,
you're mind is still looking for
fun.
But so is mine.
And sometimes we disagree on what's
fun.
But nobody agrees on
everything.
I don't know.

The only thing I know
is that I don't want to say
goodbye.
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
But I'll get over this.
This is simple.
You aren't perfect.
I can find a
flaw.
I can focus on that
and it'll be over with.

I don't know.
I feel as though your flaws
disappear.
But again maybe that's just
the loneliness.
Maybe that's just me
settling.
And I never settle.
But I don't think
I'll ever find someone
like you.
Whose aura is like yours.
Whose persona is like yours.

But I only think that.
I don't know.