Flying

"Please don't go away...."

The air is cold up here. The wind blowing, the people below moving like ants. All I think of is her as I stand here. I am broken to the world. I am unfixable to myself. I am nothing to my friends now. I am but in shambles, lost.

And all I think of is her.

"Kevin, what are you doing up here?"

"Go back down. I just needed some air."

"You can't be up here, you need to get off the roof."

"Why? I'm just getting some air."

"You know why. Come on."

The hypnotizing glaze of his eyes brought me down again. I was nothing. I was worthless. I wanted to fly away, just jump and fly to another building- but I followed him down into the depths that I once was. I wanted to get higher, but I just got lower instead. I can't tell how low here. I can only write on the walls what day it is. It's been three months. I can tell because I mark the day. It's April. Three months.

I don't where she is. I don't what she's doing. I can't picture her, or I vomit. I don't feel like sitting in my own vomit and tears right now. I'm always crying. Here and there. My eyes fill like water.

"Meal time."

Meal time doesn't exist. Everything reminds me of her. The rice dish is like her hair, the mashed potatoes are like her face. The meatloaf she wouldn't touch. The green beans she loved to eat. Meal time wasn't fun. Nothing was fun. I just wanted to fly.

"Things can be better, I swear."

I begged. I swore up and down things would be different. She was different. She wasn't. I knew it deep down she wasn't, but I couldn't be honest with myself. I couldn't be honest with anyone. I could be honest with her. I could tell her everything and she wouldn't judge me. Not like the rest of the world. Not like the rest of the world, with their glazing, judging eyes. With their hatred filled souls. With their greedy, cold hearts.

And she was warm. And she was kind. She was everything I wanted. Her picture faded in my mind the more I stayed in this room. I slowly faded from existence. No one would remember me. No one could care. I was killing myself without ever dying.

I raised myself. I always raised myself. I always said I didn't need anyone. I could be alone. I could deal with everything by myself. But it was normal not to. It was normal to go to friends and have problems and to feel another person's touch. To feel normal. She made me feel normal. She made me feel better. I was for once normal, and I liked it. I wanted it.

"Please. I love you."

There was nothing I could do. I couldn't let go. Nothing could make me. My friends began to hate me for what I had become. I began hating me. My parents began hating me. All I felt before was love, and now it had turned to hate. All I did was sleep, eat and work. I buried myself in work.

Then I wanted love again. No more judgements. Someone to care for me for who I am, the good and the bad. But if she had somehow been with another guy...I vomited at work with the thought. Every day I would come in, work alone, and be forced to clean up my own vomit. I couldn't be nice to people, because they could see the tears falling down my face.

It was torture.

"Is there anything I can do to change things?"

And as the days went on without her, I felt self-destructive. My arm became a slashed tire that never ran out of air. My friends became punching bags that got worn out. My family became a broken phone. My job became a sinkhole of despair. The world became Hell.

Everyone was out for themselves. And I had to be locked away before I did something I couldn't control.

"Happy birthday."

"It can't be my birthday. It's May."

"It's only March."

Whoever ruled this world was torturing me. The days went by slow. All I craved was a peaceful release. I had nothing. I sat in a room all day staring at the walls. My drug was my emotion and my cure was her. I feared at times when the door opened that she would walk in and tell me she was married and loved someone else even though I knew it would never happen. Every time that thought came, though, I vomited. They hated when I vomited.

And then I lost it. I really lost it.

"You know she still loves me. She didn't want to leave me. She still wanted me around, see? But then she realized she couldn't get over me. She didn't want me to go. Something made her. I bet it was her parents. They hated me. Or her friends, I bet she was listening to her friends or something and they told her I was no good. They didn't know me- how dare they say I was no good. They probably said she could do better. I'm a great catch though, so I don't see how that could be it. They must not have known me. I'm really open to things, and I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet. Except for the unrealistic nice guys you see on TV. I should really stand up for myself a bit more, have some confidence. Stop being such a nice guy, you know?"

I wasn't talking to anybody.

"Yeah, and I mean- if she's hanging out with someone else or marrying some other guy it's because she can't move on from me. She doesn't really love them. I'm the only one she could ever love, we're meant to be together. We're going to be together. We are together, actually- she never actually left. All of this was just a dream. Everything was a dream and it'll all go back to normal when I wake up. When I wake up it'll all be normal again. I just have to wake up."

I then spent hours running into the wall where I had my log that swore it was now November.

"It sure is warm for November."

"It's April."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Happy Easter."

"No wonder my Halloween candy was all egg shaped. I'm so glad you guys let me dress up. It was so cool being a dracula again. I think I'll dress up as a zombie next time. Yeah, definitely a zombie. I hate zombies though unless I am one. I guess I'm just undeadist. Is that even a word? When you're bias against the undead?"

The nurse left before I even got into my rant. I didn't let anything get me down. Not until that day.

"What's the date? You said it was April sometime ago."

"It's still April."

"Yeah but what's the day?"

"The 16th."

It was her birthday. I remembered just like I remembered her phone number (549-1862) and the day we got together (August 4th) and the day she was gone (January 23rd) and the last day I said anything to her...Feburary 14th.

"Kevin, you can't be up here. You know that."

"You ever loved someone that you just wanted to go to every day? Every night you just wanted to go to them? And fix things."

We can fix things. I know we can. I have all the solutions.

"Some things can't be fixed."

"Like me. I can't be fixed. Drugs don't do any good."

You are the only drug I'm on. I'm addicted to you. I just want you to be here.

"That's why you're here, Kevin. Come on back down. You'll be OK."

"She didn't want me. Why didn't she want me? What did I do? Why did she stop loving me?"

"I can't just let you go. I don't want to let you go, do you know how much you mean to me?"

"Kevin, you need to move on. It's time to fix things."

"I don't. I can't. I trusted her and she broke my heart. She was the only one I trusted. The only one that meant the world to me. And she's just gone."

"I just want you close. I want to be close to you always.

"Things happen. The world isn't a fair place."

"All I want to do is fly to her. Can't you just let me fly?"

"That's why you're here. You tried that. You can't kill yourself. That's not the answer."

Please come back. Please.

"But it is. It's how I'll see her again."

I looked down. The people were like ants.

Why did you have to leave me here alone? Why did you have to die?

Flying was easy. It's the landing that gets sticky.

Sorry (Viva La Vida)

I've been working on some rap songs in my head for a little while so I figured I would attempt to write one out. This one samples from Coldplay's Viva La Vida. It's possible this will turn into an actual song eventually. I welcome fans to give it a go themselves.

I know I've done a lot of things
but I'm not proud of them
Because I know that they sting and
Hurt when I say them
But I don't want to hurt you
It's the last thing that I'd do
Just know it wasn't my intention
And little did I mention- that I'm
truly just sorry for the shit in my past
I hope you can forgive me
For I want this to last
But I know that you walked out the door
And I became a shamble lyin' on the floor
Yet I hope you know just one thing
That I'm truly sorry for this bullshit I bring
You changed me now more than anything
And now...

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

I felt like I was on top of the world
And you were my only girl
(Yeah you were my girl)
So I ruled my own kingdom
But I just couldn't see some
Problems I had to deal with
But it was my bullshit
And I didn't mean to bring it on you
But I just didn't know what to do
I trusted you more than anyone
I just felt closer than I ever had with some
And yet I didn't consider your thoughts
And all the problems you had brought
Into this relationship
So I'm sorry for all this shit
I just wish I could move on a bit 'cause...

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringin'
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field.
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

I know that it's hard to say
But I'm sorry and I just want to play it
Cooler than I have ever before
But I ain't been the same since you walked out that door
I know you've moved on but I keep hoping there's a glimmer
Of hope, but my luck is just gettin' slimmer
I'm doped up on my emotions more than ever
And you're the only drug that makes me better
I hope you understand
You make me a better man
And I'm sorry
But I just can't explain

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringin'
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field.
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word

Could

I could say I'm lost
and write my way
as if I knew where I was going.
I could write a song
about how I feel
as if I'd feel any different.
I could sit here and mope,
and bitch and groan
about how much
I miss you
and wish you were
here.
I could go out to bars
find someone else
and regret things
in the morning.
I could sit for hours
talking with friends
contemplating what
life is.
I could think about
every step we took
to wind up where we are
now.
I could tell you
that you're a fool
and list every detail
I secretly didn't like
about you.
I could passive aggressively
and nervously
show up to where you might be
looking dressed to impressed-
as the saying goes-
hoping to make you jealous.
I could message you
and seem crazier
than I really am-
and push you
so far away from me.
I could lay in my bed
cuddling with a pillow
wishing it was you.
I could lose my faith
in everything
and pretend this world
was a joke we create
in our heads.
I could ask the universe
to show itself
to let me know
what to do.
I could flip a quarter
and ask what my future is,
even though I'm sure
it wouldn't be right.
I could fall asleep
and dream about
the times when I was
happier.
I could tell people
that we meant
more to me than
they understand.
I could keep my
online postings
to songs that
provoke a vengeful attitude.
I could
try to forget,
knowing I won't want to.
I could give girls my number
and tell them to call me
despite never getting a call.
I could hang out
with friends
doing things they enjoy
that I find boring
just to not feel alone.

I could do a lot of things.
But all I want to do
is fix everything.
Even though
I know I can't,
because it
just pushes you
farther away.

I could write
a poem at
5 in the morning
in hopes you'd read it
and want to talk to me
still.
I could try
to do anything to fix
these things.
The least I can do is try.

The Burning

They told me I was crazy, and I agreed. I was crazy, but I knew it would work.

"Dr. Thomas, there's nothing here in your research that makes me think you can alter human DNA to do whatever you want."

"Please- first call me Daryl- and second, my research is not yet complete. I simply have to find the right genes from other animals and splice them into the right places on a human."

"No woman is going to allow you to put a baby inside of them when you tell them it might come out looking like a spider or moth or chameleon."

"Come now, Dr. Freeman- don't forget I'm looking at other ideas as well. Super human strength like ants, producing electricity like eels. I've even done enough research to probably implement the right combination to alter the DNA to breath fire."

"What mother wouldn't want their child breathing fire?"

"I must be off though, I have a date tonight. Claire and me are celebrating two years."

"Congratulations Daryl. A good woman is hard to come by in this field."

"That's why we met at school in a cafeteria. She teaches a few courses in English at Western University."

I remembered the first time I had met her. I was teaching a few classes for a semester, and a professor had invited me to sit with their colleagues. She stood out among them. Maybe it was her beautiful green eyes, or the strikingly red hair that went with it. Maybe it was the way she spoke, so elegantly and easy going. So understanding, despite our differences in education. She understood my research more than anyone else. And for two years, I had been the happiest man alive. I had a woman by my side, and a job that was finally going somewhere.

"Well, wherever you met her- it's a good thing. Men can get lonely in this field and try to do crazy things. Like splice DNA."

"So you can't have just come down here to look at my research, Dr. Freeman. Tell me there's another reason you came here."

"There is, Daryl. I want to show you something. Would you mind following me?"

We walked out of the room and up a few flight of stairs, into a wide, open room. On the far side sat what looked like a giant chamber of metal- a door on the side for easy entry and metal tubes flowing into it from numerous directions.

"What is this?"

"This is hopefully where you can start implementing your research. And where my research is now over."

"What is that contraption in the corner?"

"That is where I used a mixture of radioactive materials to try to implement change in humans. We call it the chamber of souls, because no one that went in ever came back out."

"Might I ask, what your research was on?"

"Cancer, Daryl. Trying to find a cure in the strangest of places. The material worked, it just wound up killing the person as well."

"Why stop now?"

"No one wants to back someone who keeps killing subjects. Terminally ill cancer patients are no longer willing, as they feel as though they might suffer more if they try. And their families will suffer even more."

"I understand."

"So this is yours now. Do with it what you will. I'm sure you can come up with some actual ways to use the chamber of souls here in order to splice some DNA."

"It's not really splicing, it's altering more than splicing."

"Well, either way. And have fun tonight with Claire. Two years is a wonderful achievement." Dr. Freeman walked out, leaving me alone in my new lab. I looked around for a few minutes at the gadgets- only to realize I was running late for dinner.

Running out, I turned the lights off, ran back down the stairs, and grabbed my coat- leaving my research out in the open on my desk.

We arrived at the restaurant just a bit over the time of our reservation, luckily finding they hadn't given up our table yet. It was par for the course, us joking and laughing and talking like usual. Dinner tasted wonderful, and the wine was more than enough to make the evening wonderful. I gave her a diamond bracelet, engraved her favorite line from her favorite book- Fahrenheit 451. It simply read "It was a pleasure to burn."

"Listen, Daryl. I have to tell you something, and it's hard for me to say this."

"Say what, my dear?"

"I was offered a job at a different university last week. One that would require me to move. Back to where I was before."

"Out of state."

"Yes."

"And you told them no?"

"I told them I would think about it. And I've gone over everything, and with you and your lab- you couldn't just come with me."

"So you told them no?"

"And my family is there already. My parents would love to have me home again. Celebrate holidays like we used to."

"What did you tell them?"

"I'm taking the job, Daryl. It pays better than here, my family is closer."

"Then what about us? With my research long distance is going to be hard to-"

I could see a tear falling from her eye. I knew what was going to happen.

"It's over, Daryl. I'm sorry."

I sat there in disbelief. I had loved her. I had told myself this was the girl I was going to marry. Two years, down the drain. I panicked.

"No, we can make this work."

"No. We can't. And you know that."

I stood up, holding back tears. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't feel anything but pain.

"We can still talk, can't we Daryl? I don't want you out of my life, but-"

"Yeah, sure." It took everything in me to not let a tear fall. I quickly got the check, and took her to a friend's apartment- since we lived together. She had already brought her clothes there before.

"Can I hug you?" she asked as I pulled up to the address. I couldn't say anything. I just shook my head no. "Well, I'll talk to you later." She got out of my car, and I finally let the tears fall. Two years. It felt like so much longer.

I had been so wrapped up in work when we had started talking two years ago.

"So you're a man of science?"

"Yes, I'm doing some interesting research right now on the human genome. Experimental hypotheses, but hopefully it can help cure diseases in the long run."

"Wow, I'm just teaching a class how to interpret Shakespeare and you're curing the world of diseases."

"You might be astonished at my work, but I'm astonished you can understand Shakespeare."

We laughed. That was the beginning. When I realized she was getting too close, I asked her what was going on. I had work to do. I had to focus. She understood, said she was looking to get her doctorates degree and school would be taking up a lot of focus. But we had so much fun together. I was so happy, I asked her out and the next thing I knew we were dating anyways.

Someone laid on their car's horn, slamming on their brakes to stop. I snapped out of my sulking to notice it was raining. I drove away, only to notice as I passed light posts a glimmering in the seat next to me. She had left her bracelet.

I broke down again.

I couldn't sleep when I got home. I couldn't do any good at work. I sat for hours wondering how she could leave something that made her so happy. Wondering how she could just give that up. Wondering if it wasn't the job- and if she truly cared. She would never have left if she truly cared.

I wanted to run to her. Every second I got I just wanted to run to her. I felt so alone in my lab, big as it was now that I had moved upstairs. No students to help out, no people to interact with. Alone at work late into the night. It's like I wanted to go home, she wasn't there.

After the first night she left her keys sitting on the counter. I broke down again. All of her things were gone. She was gone. My things from her car sat on the counter, piled into a bunch. She was done with me. She didn't care.

She was gone the next day, already moved back. We spoke online a few times, as I was OK with being friends. But she started to change her attitude towards me. I didn't know what it was, I didn't know what I had done. I was friendly. I wanted her back more than anything, but she pushed me away even harder.

And then the next thing I knew, she was already dating again. 2 weeks later, already with some new guy. She tried to hide it, but I wasn't dumb. I was a fucking scientist, I said. I was going to change the world, I told myself.

I dove into my research. I pushed and pulled and for days poured sweat into everything. I began building a reactor to test on mice. But it was too powerful even on the low setting. The mice were killed.

I sat there alone in my lab, thinking. I needed a human subject. I needed to use a human. I called Dr. Freeman in, asking him for help.

"So what exactly do you need me to do?"

"Push a button. That's all."

"Daryl, are you OK?"

"To be honest, no. I'm not."

"I've heard people say that you've been in here for awhile. You spend all your time here now. You don't go home."

"I don't need to go home. I need to do this research. I need to finish this. I need to show the world I can change it. I can change everything."

"What exactly are these plans?"

"It's nothing major. Just changing eye and hair color by morphing my own genome."

"You're getting in that machine?"

"I need a human test subject."

"Daryl, I know I'm not really a good friend but you're talking insanity. You're going to kill yourself."

"Good. What do I have to live for any more?"

"Is this about Claire?"

I paused. "No. This is about changing the world. Claire doesn't matter. I want to change the world."

I put on goggles and a suit I had made, specifically for the experiment. It felt like rubber, and looked like rubber- but was more complex than rubber.

"Just push this button then?"

"Yeah. I can't hear you when I get in the chamber. I can't see anything either. So just push the button and hope I'm not radioactive when you open the door."

"I'd also hope you're still alive."

"You're the only one in this room."

I walked in and watched as Dr. Freeman shut the heavy metal door. I stood there. This was it. I would either die here or change the world forever. I closed my eyes thinking of Claire. Thinking of her with another man. My stomach dropped, and I felt like vomiting.

I could hear the machine churning. The air slowly felt different as if I could feel the atoms hitting me and changing me. As the machine churned on, louder and louder, the feeling got stronger. Then the churning stopped. I felt nothing moving any more. The door opened.

"Good to see you're alive."

"I'm not."

I took a step out of the machine to feel my body burning in the air. It felt as though I was on fire, the amount of heat radiating from my body. I fell to the floor.

"Daryl, what's wrong?"

I couldn't speak. My throat was dry. I managed to get up, stumbling to a nearby faucet and running the water as cold as possible before half-jumping into the sink. Dr. Freeman caught on, quickly pouring water on top of me- only to watch it evaporate into steam.

"Come here, we must get you to a hospital." His hand touched me, only to see himself burnt and electrocuted to the touch. "What are you? What have you done?"

"Nothing can stop me. I am but a monster now among you men." I grabbed him by his shirt, to watch his clothes burn like paper. "My research is not just complete, but just now beginning. When the atoms finish with me, I will be a powerful mess to deal with."

"What did you do?"

"Fuse my genome with elements. High temperature body, creating the ability to burn everything. Given the ability to produce electricity like eels. Hearing like dogs. And if the atoms do what they're meant to, I'll be fused with diamond. The hardest substance in the world. Add a bit of super ant strength, and you have yourself someone no one wants to fuck with."

"But why? Why would you do something like this?"

"The world is a cruel place, Dr. Freeman. And you made me. No body ever likes what they've made."

"But I've not done anything to you."

"Haven't you? You've left me alone here, wallowing in my own sadness. You never came to say hello or ask how I was doing. No one cares about me, why should I care about their precious lives? What makes anyone lives special to me? Nothing. Everyone left me. Claire left me, you left me. No one cares about my life. You hit the fucking button that could've killed me. You could have killed me, but you still hit that button. My life meant nothing to you. Goodbye Dr. Freeman."

I held my hands to his throat, watching it burn through his skin. I felt his blood hit me, as I made my way to his artery. Death. I let go and he fell to the floor, slowly dying as a pool of blood grouped. The blood on me dried quickly and cracked away.

I turned around and looked at my work one last time. The machine that changed the world. And there, a part of it glimmered. The diamond bracelet. I had used it to help fuse myself.

I could see the engraving still. I put my hand down on a table, and set it on fire.

"It is a pleasure to burn." I said out loud while leaving the lab. The world would soon learn that.

Thoughts

Tonight I sat,
cold as ice
questioning the world
around me.
What is this world?
I asked myself.

I tried to look
at things rationally
but nothing ever came to
make sense.

I started with religion.
If God created the Earth
then why did
humans
write His book?
If God existed
why were only some
selected to tell the
truth? To tell
wisdom?
If God existed
and God knows all
then why not tell us
when the end of days is?
Why not speak to us,
and show us that he existed?

When looking back
at the origins of
religion, it appears
to me
that people
are using it as a
safety net.
We all live on
in the after life,
and we can all go to
a place of paradise when
we die.

Others use it as a means to
live.
A rulebook of how to think,
what to follow, and
what rules- be they unrealistic
or not-
they must follow.
They use it as a reason to
live. A purpose
to fulfill. Because life has to
mean something.

But then I ask myself,
what about ghosts?
Are ghosts not what once was?
Are ghosts not people who have died?
I have experienced ghosts,
and numerous other things that
don't make sense.
Is this world so
random
that everything is coincidence,
and nothing is deja vu?
These things are just
perceptions of the world.
But then how did we get
the tape recording?
The ghostly voice
so clear as day
of a girl-
when there was only men
in the group.
Was one so intent
on finding out something
that he faked it for
all of us?
Was what I heard truly
the truth?
Could there just be some
type of energy left
when we die that
creates this sounds?
Could there be some type of
animal that mimics us
on a plane we cannot see?

I ask myself these questions.
I ask myself why these
things are so.
What religion is right,
or are they all right?
Could it be that humans created an afterlife
by simply believing?
And that faith truly is
the only way to live forever?

Statistically this world
makes no sense.
The probability of the world
existing is slim.
The probability of any person
is slim.
When millions of sperm meet
one egg,
the probability for a person is
one in so many millions.
And if the probability is so low
then what controls it?
Does nature balance itself out,
or is it a force in the world we cannot
recognize?
The probability of anyone meeting
is slim just as well.
If someone is born in Japan, and
the person they marry is born in Maine
because of a chance meeting-
can we argue it was simply chance?
If they never met,
would the world be better or worse?
Would the world just
be the same?

These thoughts plague me all the time.
I want to know the answer,
but all we can do is have faith
that something is helping us
when nothing might be.
Whether it be fate or religion
or a belief that nothing
controls us-
it is a faith we hold dear.
But every so often,
I wonder these thoughts.

I wonder.