Waiting

I waited for her to come pick me up, sitting on the curb in front of my house minding my own business. Cars went by, a gentle breeze in the air as rain was coming in soon. I listened to the birds chirping, the kids playing off in the background. No one could see me, as two cars were parked beside me.

I sat in between them. She knew where I was going to be, or at least I thought she knew.

Cars went by. None were her. I listened to the birds chirp again, then leaned back- letting my hands touch the dirt and grass. They felt wet, despite it not raining while I was awake. I assumed it had rained while I slept.

I let myself balance on my hands, leaning backwards. They dug into the soft, wet dirt and I realized I was going to be dirty now for when she arrived. Maybe it'll come off, I thought to myself.

I looked over and saw the kids playing, with no worries. Running around with a ball. Three little boys- at least at the distance- throwing a ball around. One was younger than the rest, substantially, and would start running around out of nowhere. They weren't sitting on the curb waiting, and worrying like I was.

I kept thinking- she won't come. She's forgotten me. But I knew better. I thought, maybe she can't see me- but I knew better. She'd find me- it's not like it was hard to find me sitting in between the parked cars. I was still visible.

I looked up at the sky to feel a raindrop hit my face. I leaned forward, my hands no longer in the dirt, and moved my hand to wipe it away- only to feel the dirt on my hand touch my face. It had stuck to my hand. I took my sleeve and wiped the spot on my face, only to see a streak of dirt now on my shirt. I started rubbing my hands together, only to find the dirt turning into a mud on my hands.

Then it suddenly began to storm.

Rain came down like a faucet had just turned on, and hit me like no other. I had no time to think, and by the time it did- the rain stopped as soon as it started. I was soaked.

Then I heard a car's horn, beeping. I looked up and saw her there, with a smile on her face- me standing there soaked, clothes now wet and dirty, my hands still with bits of mud on them, my hair dripping and no longer groomed like it was before.

She parked her car and watched as I walked inside. She understood. I had waited for her, she had to wait for me too. She was just hoping I could find her car parked among the others.

The Fated: Episode 2

"Hello, you're WKSB The Hits 18th caller- that means you win!"

"Yay! Ha ha."

"What's your name sweetheart?"

"Erica."

"Well Erica you and a guest will be getting tickets to see Lady Gaga in concert next week, and a fifty dollar gift certificate to Freddy's Bar and Grill located in the downtown metropolitan area."

"Ooo."

"Just let us know- what's your favorite station?"

"97.1 The Hits!"

"And out to the Daughtry song. Clear."

"Thank God. I got time for a cigarette break, Tom?"

"No, after this we go straight to entertainment news and then traffic and commercials."

"God damn it. I could really use a cigarette."

"It's alright Dave, it's only a few more minutes."

"I've just been under a lot of stress."

"I don't know why. You're just helping your neighbor move. She hasn't been there for more than a half a year."

"Eight months."

"Did you even really hang out with her?"

"Never really got a chance. She has a boyfriend in Ohio."

"Ohio? Who the hell leaves Florida to go to Ohio?"

"Nah, he's from Ohio- but it don't matter. He's a jackass, let me tell you that."

"How do you know?"

"Her Facebook."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. OK listen it's not that bad- I've hung out with her with others before in the apartment building. Little get togethers, and I like her OK? I'd love to hang out with her- but it's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

"This new guy who moved in. Scott. Totally her type, and he's moving in fast despite she has a boyfriend."

"Shit, we're back on in 10...5, 4, 3, 2-"

"Great song from Daughtry, now let's get to your E-news. Reports are coming in that J-Lo might be pregnant. Witnesses have claimed she's been seen with a little bump in her belly, but her people have all denied to comment. Actor Russell Crowe's new indie movie is getting rave reviews. He stars as a mental patient in One Last Breath- based on a true story of the abuse of a mental patient right here in Florida. Universal Studios has announced plans to expand the movie into more theaters. And actress Lindsay Lohan back in the news, this time with a new movie underway. No word on what the movie is about, but Sony Pictures and Tim Burton are said to be in talks. That's your latest E-news, now to our Eye in the Sky- Krissy what's the traffic look like?"

"And cut your mic. We're clear. So this douchebag has no morals? Talking it up with a chick who's got someone."

"She's moving out because she's moving in with the boyfriend. But I just have this feeling, ya know? That they're gonna break up and she's gonna wind up with Scott."

"Why do you care? You never hung out with her."

"I wanted to, Tom. But every time she asked me to, I was working here."

"If you really wanted to go, you could've called off. I would've understood."

"Yeah and would I be sitting in this chair now with this job if I had?"

"Probably not. Chris would've gotten it."

"I can't do two things at once, Tom. If I could, I would."

"Oh shit, I forgot we had a commercial spot for you. You got 20."

"I could've made a better friend, but my morals got in the way- ya know? I didn't want to tread on her boyfriend's shit."

"10 seconds."

"Ugh, I hate these ads."

"5, 4, 3, 2, on air."

"Ya know when I need a good break from my long work day, I like to go home and play with my dog. But not all dogs grow the same, and that's why I use Purina dog chow's formula to keep my dog consistently growing. Other dog foods don't have the same vitamins that my dog needs, and without those he could wind up bigger than he should be. But with Purina I don't have to worry, and their new flavors I just know he loves. So make your pet just as happy as mine, and use Purina dog chow- sold in grocery stores near you."

"And we're out."

"God damn, I need a cigarette."

"No time now. And Dave, sometimes you just have to work for it. I mean, is this girl really everything you're making her out to be?"

"I doubt it."

"What makes her so great?"

"A lot in common. I like talking to her, ya know- she's fun. She can be serious, she cannot be serious. We like a lot of the same stuff. She'd fit in with my friends if she ever met them, let me tell ya that."

"Seriously? You can find chicks like that all over the city."

"We have similar life beliefs too."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to call them religious, but I guess they are in a way. We believe in fate."

"Fate?"

"That everything happens for a reason."

"Maybe this Scott guy needs to break her and her boyfriend up, so you two can wind up together in the end."

"I don't see that happening. I see her with Scott and us no longer talking. I mean, I've been here so much working on that new radio program. I've been a bit AWOL with her. And this one chick has an issue with my friend and I- and I'm pretty sure we've been blacklisted a bit now."

"You tried to stop it?"

"Indirectly. There's this chick that's into Scott, but it's not working. She's afraid to say anything to him. Or even clue him in."

"We're on in 15. Well, who knows man."

"I know. I know they'll wind up together."

"10..."

"I know I should give up and focus on my career."

"...5..."

"And congratulate them when they get married."

"Live."

"Hey hitters, we got a brand new song for you guys- it's Telephone, by Lady Gaga."

"Mic off, and out. Seriously? When they get married?"

"I just have a feeling that no matter what I do, I can't break it Tom. I can tell you but it won't stop anything. Besides, I'm way too much of a partier. I don't think she even drinks."

"She doesn't drink? What the hell does she do for fun?"

"Like I know."

"You'll get over her, man. I'm sure."

"Hey, I guess it's all good as long as she's happy, huh?"

"Such a pussy way to look at it."

"Ah go to hell, Tom."

"I'm already headed there. Fate is taking me."

"I wouldn't doubt it."

"You've got 30 seconds."

"You think I should tell her?"

"What? That you're a freaky stalker? Nah, let it go. Let her be happy with whatever douchebag she's gonna wind up with. You'll find a girl better than her, Dave. 10 seconds."

"I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait for fate and see."

"5, 4, 3, 2- on air."

"I love that song. We've got more coming from your favorite artists, but that is it for DJ Dave here at The Hits..."

My Daughter

"Should I hold your hand?"
"No dad, I'm too old for that."
"I'm sorry. I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"I'm almost 11 dad. I'm not going to run off into a busy street and get hit by some car."
"I know, but I just...never mind. Let's just go get that dress you and your mom found."

We walked into the store and found the young girls department. It wasn't hard. She already knew where it was.

"Dad- it's over here!"

She had already picked out her dress. Almost 11 years old. The time had flown by so fast, and it wasn't any easier now than it was when she was younger. My only daughter. My only child. How hard it is to watch them grow, until you have to give them up.

"This is the one mom and me found last week. You think it looks good?"

I don't know dresses. I don't know how to do hair. I know how to throw a baseball and play video games. I know how to set up her digital camera so it works OK and she can upload her pictures for all her friends to see. I do the best I can.

"Mom said it looks good on me, but I don't know. Becky has a similar dress and a lot of the girls think it's ugly."

Maybe my best isn't the best one can do, but I sure try. It's just hard to talk with her. Hard to picture he walking down an aisle. I don't want her to meet a boy and do the things I wanted to do when I was younger. But it's only a few years off. She's already starting puberty.

"You care if we go to another store? I think I found one there I like a little better."

And then what? Then she'll be graduating high school. Hopefully. Hopefully she doesn't wind up like one of those pregnant girls on TV. She's a smart girl, but I know how these things work. You can be smart but make mistakes.

"I think they still have this really pretty one I saw. Mom and me went in here last week too, but mom thought it was too expensive. I know you don't care though, right dad?"

I want the best for her. I don't want to let her go, but what else can I do? I've already seen the girls and boys she's hanging out with. I don't like them. They're not going to do much good for her. Maybe she'll have fun, but I want her to do more than just have fun the rest of her life.

"It's right over here- at least it was. I don't see it anymore. I'll go ask that clerk if she's seen it."

I want her to achieve greatness. I want her to be more than I ever could. Than her mother ever could. But what am I to do? I can barely do what I'm doing now. I can barely say hi to her.

"The clerk lady said they don't have anymore. Which is probably good because that means some other girls bought them and might be wearing them and I don't wanna wear the same thing they're wearing. Can we try another store? It's still in the mall."

She is my daughter though. We have a lot in common- she takes after my religion and watches what I watch on TV. And she has the most beautiful voice when she sings. I used to play guitar, but that was in high school. She's already playing better than I could.

"None of these dresses look any good and I'm tired and hungry. Can we go get pizza?"

She has no cares in the world. Maybe I should be more like her- not worrying about her. But I do. That's all I do. I know when she's sad and happy. It radiates from her. I just wish I had more time with her.

"I think we can go to that Italian place, they have really good pizza- it's seriously the best. You care if we go buy that dress first?"

Maybe if I got closer with her she wouldn't bother with the people she hangs out with. Some are OK, but some I just can't stand. And I barely see her with them. But when I do, it makes me sick that she actually enjoys hanging with them. Sometimes I wish she'd hang out with me, but I understand. She wouldn't want to hang out with an old timer like myself.

"This pizza is delicious, isn't it dad?"

I know she cares. But I sometimes if I care too much about her. I sometimes wonder if I should just start letting go now. But I can't. She's my daughter. I can't just let it go.

"I don't think mom would want you inside and I have some homework I still need to do. Thanks dad for taking me to get my dress for the dance."

She hugs me and gets out of the car. She knows I love her. I don't need to say it. She knows. And I know I have to let her go. She opens the door to the house I used to live in and smiles and waves back at me. She goes inside and I sit for a moment.

I have to say goodbye. I have to let her go. With her mother, to this dance. I get out of the car and walk up to the house. I knock on the door. My ex-wife answers. I ask for her and she comes quickly to the door.

"Dad- did I forgot something?"

I hug her. I tell her I love her and I hope she has fun. I then smile and walk away back to my car. I put my keys in the ignition, turn, and hit the gas pedal. I don't look back.

I let go as much as I can. But even then, I know I'll always love her. Even if she doesn't love me the same.

You Don't Care (poem 3)

It's working.
Is it bad I'm
fighting it?
The logical conclusions
that came to me-
I'm fighting.
But I know better.
I should know better.
You have no idea,
and I torture myself.
I put these feelings
down
for weeks,
months.
Do you realize this?
Of course not.
You're not even reading this.

Maybe that's how I can
let you go.
Realize you
don't care.
Not the way
I do.

You don't care
we share the same likes
and hates.
You don't care
we have similar
passions
and that we could
support each other
in them.
You don't care
about me,
at least not like
I care about you.

You avoid me,
don't even say a good morning
sometimes.
Maybe that's my fault,
but what does it matter?
Either way,
you don't care.

And what if you did?
It's not like this would
be easier.
If you did care
it would just make things
more complicated.
For me.
For you.
For everyone involved.

I told a friend.
Yeah, they know.
They told me they'd advocate our
relationship
if there was ever one to advocate.
There isn't.

It's just my disillusioned mind
once again creating
the harm
I do to myself.
Some people think the depressed cut their wrists,
but the truly depressed
cut their souls.
And nothing bleeds
out of a soul.

My soul is covered in cuts
and bruises.
Not all are from this
love,
this joke of an idea.
I just wish,
as a joke,
that it was funny enough to
laugh at.

But no worries.
You don't care,
not like I do.
You don't care
to even know
that I do.
You care about him.
Go on,
care about him.

I'll find someone
who does care.
I at least can
hope to.

Dealing (Poem 2)

I could write a million songs.
And it doesn't make me feel any better.
I can't confront you.
I can't sit and tell people.
I'm lost. So lost.
For once in a long time
I am lost.
And who do I turn to?
My family and friends
only try to console me
and use the same lines
over and over.
The same lines from before.
But this isn't before-
this is now.
This is stupid- they'd say,
you can't be thinking like this
they'd say.
And I'm not thinking like this,
I'm feeling this.
And I don't want to feel this,
but it's true and it's there.
And I write. I write to get out
the words I can't say to you-
to tell you I care.
But I fear you reading it
or someone understanding
the subtle clues I put within
each word.
Each line.
Each sentence.
I could tell you but
that's not an option.
The only option
is to somehow rid myself
of these feelings
and hope you are happy.

Just like every other girl
I've ever fallen for.
I can only hope you wind up
happy.

I Don't Know (poem 1)

I don't know.
Sometimes I think it's better this way.
Sometimes I just want things to be different between us.
The subtleties you don't notice.
The things I do.
The similarities in what we like,
and hate.
Not wanting to give up what
you have,
but forced to- by things
you can't control.
I don't know
what to say to you.
I don't know
if I will see you again.
But I want to.
I want to grow closer
to you.
I want to have more
fun times.
But there's this wall
blocking me from ever
thinking
about truly wanting that.
There's this barrier,
invisible,
that'll never go away.
And even if it does
I assure you
there's another one
just waiting to
block me again.

I don't know.
It hurts when
you hurt.
It's insane
to even think that way.
Maybe it's the awkwardness
between us.
Maybe it's something else
I don't notice.
Maybe it's mutual,
but you know better
and I don't.
I don't know.

I just wish things were
simpler.
Easier.
Better.
I'm just glad I got to
spend time with you.
Even though it was
awkward
at times. But it was
totally worth it.

I don't know.
Maybe it's the loneliness.
The not wanting to be alone
anymore.
The fact I've grown and
am more mature now
than I was years ago.
But with you?
That doesn't work.
You aren't super mature,
you're mind is still looking for
fun.
But so is mine.
And sometimes we disagree on what's
fun.
But nobody agrees on
everything.
I don't know.

The only thing I know
is that I don't want to say
goodbye.
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
But I'll get over this.
This is simple.
You aren't perfect.
I can find a
flaw.
I can focus on that
and it'll be over with.

I don't know.
I feel as though your flaws
disappear.
But again maybe that's just
the loneliness.
Maybe that's just me
settling.
And I never settle.
But I don't think
I'll ever find someone
like you.
Whose aura is like yours.
Whose persona is like yours.

But I only think that.
I don't know.